Me ~ Just Being Real Today

Hey friends.

I haven’t been around since last Thursday.  It was a rough week for me.

Outside the annoying things of being sick Mother’s Day weekend and all my lame wireless connection issues – I had to say goodbye (for now) to my most precious puppy.

Friday morning, May 14, 2010 at approximately 11:00 am, Jerry Bean was put to sleep.  It was my decision – but it turned out to be the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make. 

 

He started breathing funny Tuesday afternoon and had problems on his walk that night.  Me and my brother took him to the vet  Wednesday morning and was told he had fluid in his lungs – and was put on a diuretic to help get rid of the fluid.  That night and all day Thursday he didn’t seem to improve, but he wasn’t getting any worse.  Thursday night we left him with my mom while we went to a class at church.  When we picked him up, she told me he was having a hard time breathing and couldn’t walk 2 steps without panting extremely hard.

Thursday night was the longest night.  I stayed up with him all night trying to make him comfortable.  He couldn’t lay down.  Every time he did, he’d get back up.  It was uncomfortable or painful for him.  If he tried walking around – he’d pant like crazy.  I had a fan blowing on him keeping him cool.  I had our instrumental music playing in the family room and a healing cd playing in the bedroom.  We started in the bedroom, but ended up setting up camp in the family room for most of the night.  I ended up falling asleep around 4:30 out of sheer exhaustion.  I woke up at 6:00 and he was still sitting up next to me – but he wasn’t any better.

Me, my dad and hubby took him back up to the vet when they opened and found out that he now had fluid in his abdomen – a sign of congestive heart failure.  I asked what could be done and how long it would work.  When he told me that it was medically irreversible and it had come on him so fast – he might only have a couple days to live, if that – I realized I had a decision to make.

I could be selfish and make him suffer and be in pain while his abdomen and lungs continued to fill up with fluid so I could have him with me longer. Or – I could choose to allow him to go peacefully so he was no longer in pain.

I chose the latter.

My grandma told me that the choice I made was the choice of love.  It was.  But it still hurt.  I called my mom and brother (who were watching Scout) to come and say goodbye – and they did.

We all stood outside the vets office in the sunshine and fresh air and said goodbye to our precious Jerry Bean.  Then I took him back in and held him while they gave him the injection.  It only took about 5 seconds.  Then I sat there as he laid in my arms and I just cried and cried. 

(this was the last photo taken of Jerry outside the vet’s office)

I never realized that the sadness I felt watching “Marley and Me” would be a real sadness I had to feel in my own life.  I saw the movie for the first time a couple weeks ago.

Hubby and I drove up  to Ft. Collins that afternoon and had him cremated at a wonderful crematorium for animals.  They do each animal individually which is so nice and comforting.  We bought a beautiful brushed nickle urn with a gold band and 2 gold paw prints on it.  We also had a paw print done in clay while we were there.

The weekend was hard.  Jerry was a part of every minute of my day.  Jerry thought he was part human and was at my feet constantly and he went pretty much everywhere with me when I left the house.  He loved going for car rides.  One of his beds is always in my passenger seat – he was with me that often.

I miss the clicking of his nails on the floor.  I miss his snoring.  The only snores that were soothing to me.  I miss him getting excited to go on his walks.  I miss him laying on our bed every night.  I miss how excited he got at meal time and to get his special treat every night before bed.  I miss how he’d look at me and tilt his head when I talked to him.  And boy, did I ever talk to him like he was a person.  I just miss him being here with me 24/7.

I miss my Jerry Bean.

Wednesday I will do a special post for Jerry, just as I have done for his brothers Jesse and George.  The brothers are now all together again.  They were the Three Stooges.  The Three Musketeers.  They were Three Peas In A Pod.  How sad to have to say goodbye to all three of them within 8 months of each other.

My heart is sad. 

I will get through this and I will go on – obviously.  But, for now I have to adjust to life without my buddy who was at my feet for the past 11 1/2 years.  It might take some getting use to.

Thank you to all of you who commented on my facebook page.  Your words really did help me.  It’s so nice having such kind people in your life when something like this happens!  I love you all!

(me giving my Jerry kisses outside the vet’s office)

Here’s to you Jerry!  Your mama loves you and misses you!

_________________________________________

remember to:
live.laugh.love.and.celebrate.life.

“Jerry – the little heartbeat at my feet!”

Mama